Anyway, by thinking about the ‘what if’, I’d very much like to imagine what I’m like in other universe. For now, the biggest decision I’ve made in my life is by choosing two different college to go to. So, in my mind I’ll have at LEAST two different alternate persona.

First persona.

I chose Unpar as my college. Only Unpar. So I’m a Computer Science major, graduated on time (4 years), and by now I’ve working in some place at Jakarta. This version of me will be bitter, and fill with jealousy whenever I meet a person from ITB. Why? Because if I chose Unpar, I couldn’t go to ITB.

This version of me will have a nice job, but unfortunately a little less knowledge than the real me, because I graduated on time, and couldn’t find all that time to learn things. But this version of me will success in 5 more year. She’ll become a rich person and will get married (I think) to some geeks from Informatics too.

Our baby will be like, ‘geek-is-your-destiny’ baby. We’ll name them Javanica (maybe) because our love for programming language. This child will be tease like crazy at school. And electricity is everything in our house. Maybe we’d have like three or four backup generator, to make sure that electricity never goes out. Our house will be this big suburb house, with garden, and private security system.

It could be a fun universe.

Second persona.

I chose ITB as my college. Only ITB. So I’m  a Mathematics major, graduated a lil bit late, take or give 4 and a half years. Because I think that maths is the queen of science, I’ll go somewhere and learn something that quite unique, maybe like ‘fractal system’ or something. Still a nerd in this version. Never a popular girl.

After I got my master degree, I’ll work on bank maybe, or a private company. So this version of me has a nice job, but still a lil bit less knowledge than the real me. Why? Because this version never know how life is in Unpar. This version will be wondering if she got into Computer Science.

Anywho, maybe this version will go out and meet someone. Technically, the ‘someone’ could be from anywhere. Take or give a businessman, or a banker. Or maybe an old fling (as if). We’ll have a child, or children. Because technically the husband will be more likely to work more, this version of me will be a stay-at-home-mum.

The name of the child, let’s see. Fractal maybe? Or Triangula, let just say this version of me will name the baby with ‘mathematic’ kinda name. Let’s see. Fractal will be a genius child, a prodigy.

This version of me kinda fun too.

Two personas and I kinda like both of them.

The real me.

I’ve just graduated from CompSci. Another six months to complete my ITB education. What next? I wonder. What next is an infinite possibilities. I could go anywhere. I could do anything. I could be anything. This future for me seem kinda brighter, and I like this one the most.

So, sorry my other personas. Sorry Fractal and Javanica, but I prefer this life. And I’m not sorry that this is the kind of universe I am in. I’m not sorry that I’m this version of me. I’m just grateful.

Then you ask, what about your love life? I’ll just say, the Prince Charming is still on his way to meet me *twink*. Afterall, I’m such a hopeless romantic.

Anywho, thanks for reading this story. I still would very much like to meet my two other personas, and I’d very much looovveee to meet Fractal and Javanica. Lol.

the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming

Someone once told me. Change is hard. It’s the hardest thing of all. Mainly, because we need to conquer our fear, and turn it so that we could change

Another thing that’s hard is failure. When failure interfere with our life, it’s hard. We have to conquer the fear of failure, and turn it into something better. A spirit, a believing-heart that we would not fail again in the same matter.

Yesterday, I conquer my fear. I went to my campus and meet my supervisor, and the topic that I’ve been abandoned for 6 months because Unpar interfere. Anywho, I fear many things in this meeting. What if, my supervisor doesn’t want to supervise me anymore because I’ve been missing for 6 months? What if, I’m not good enough to do the topic? What if, he doesn’t want to see my face and cast me out? Thousands of scenario wandering around in my head.

So then, I asked myself. How to conquer this fear? It’s so damn simple. Just meet him, and find out what’ll happen next. Simple, as easy as taking a candy from a baby.

What happened? He still want to supervise me, thank the God. It’s so liberating and so gratifying at the same time.

I still have one more thing to conquer because I fear the worst. That’s a story for another time.

The thing about fear is, it gradually getting bigger and bigger. You can’t ignore it, for godness sake don’t ever ignore it. Try to conquer it. That’s one of the beauty of life.

the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming

Not only that, but a friend of mine asked me many times. “Are you sure that Mathematics is mandatory?” he asked. “Yes, I believe so. If you’re not sure just ask the coordinator.”

And so he did.

Why did he asked that question? Simple, because he didn’t took Mathematics for 11 semester even though it’s a mandatory course. Do we have a solution? Could he graduate?

The thing is, he couldn’t. He already did more than 144 credits, more than enough to graduate, but can’t. Just because a 3-credit-course called Mathematics.

That’s the real “close, but not close enough”.

I couldn’t even imagine being in his position. That was tough. If I was the one in that position, I’d gone home and cry all day. It took every effort I have just to graduate before the university drop me out.

That’s the thing about life.

Sometimes it takes patient.
Sometimes it takes hardwork.
Sometimes it takes precision.
Sometimes it takes a loooooootttt of effort.
Sometimes it hurts so damn badly.
But if you go through, if you’re not quitting, in the end it’ll be worth your while.

The thing is, it’s hard not to quit. Every obstacle that’s been thrown at you make it hard. Very very hard.

But sometimes, you just need to believe.
Believe that you could do that, even though it’ll take longer than usual.
Believe that you could go through with it, even though it’ll hurt like hell.
Believe that after everything, it’ll make your life more meaningful to you, and to others.

Believe that you could change the world.

—–

A very special thanks to all my friends at Universitas Katolik Parahyangan: Novarine, Sendhy, Yoshi, Fanny, Ichel, Stephen, Gladys, and Willy. Without them, it’ll be a hundred times harder to graduate. Thank you for being there.

A special thanks to my best friend: Raisa, Ray, Michael, Soraya, and Evy. For being there, listening, cheering, and supporting me throughout the whoooolllleee thing. It took 5 1/2  years.

from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming

Anyway, I’ve made mistakes. Several, not once, not twice. And as a human being who thinks that herself is very smart and clever (okay, not talking in the third person now), I really do think that I learned, and I am still learning from my past mistakes.

As time goes by, people goes by too. The one that stick by your side, mostly and responsibly is your family. The other one is your soulmate (if you have one). The other one, the last one that usually goes by, is your friends. Maybe best friend, maybe frenemy. I don’t know. But actually,

If they stick by you, they’re worthy of your love.

But after all of that thing, you still live alone, and die alone. So, what recipe is best for the lonely hearts?

Maybe that’s our punishment for our sin. Loneliness. Is loneliness the same as unhappy? I think it is.

As long as we’re unhappy, we’re lonely. And as long as we’re lonely, we’ll be very damn unhappy person who’s so pessimistic our face look like a butt!

But when we’re happy, we’re not alone. You just have to remember that life is worth your while, for the people beside you is the one you love. The one that make you happy.

Most of people won’t find happiness. For them, something is always missing, ALWAYS. That’s bad, dude. Just try to let it go once in a while. Maybe when you let go, it hurt so bad you couldn’t breath. But when you look back, you’ll find that it was the best decision.

So, am I happy? Yes I am. I’ve everything I need. I’ll have everything I’ll need. And God bless me, I’ll graduate ON time now. No more delay! Lol.

Just, try to smile and relax. It’ll do you good.

from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming

After this ‘dark’ period of mine, some memories didn’t come back. Other memories resurfaced, and other being buried, maybe for eternity.

But what I’ve learnt yesterday, I thing was so precious I want to share it with all of you.

As maybe some of you know, I had a band named Tabasco which has been disbanded about one or two years ago. Some of these experience, I remember so well it felt like yesterday. But some of it, went by without me noticing how important these were at that time.

Then, I had a holiday one weeks ago with two fellow members of the band. Kari and Kuo. Unfortunately, they have to go back home so early because their mother is sick and being hospitalized.

As soon as I arrived at Bandung, I went to Borromeus Hospital to visit my dearly friend, and their mother. I’m not good at small talk, but I think they’ve all realized that’s one of my flaw. So, every time I visit their mother, I don’t talk much, I just watch them interact. And then it came to me.

How is it possible, that I feel at home, even though we were at hospital?
How is it possible, that I can laugh with them all-heartedly even though they were drown in their sorrow and despair?
How is it possible, that I still feel that without them, my life wouldn’t be complete?

You could ask me, who are Kari and Kuo? And I will answer with all my heart, that they’re my family. Even though the blood that runs trough our veins are different, they’re my family.

Because of all this, I looked back. I looked back to my life before now, before this very present when I’m sitting in front of my laptop and write all this.

It’s not just them that I valued so deeply in my heart. It’s so many people (not that many), that I really care deeply about. It’s not about what they’ve given me (materially), it’s about what they’ve taught me every time I’m with them.

With Kari, Kuo, and Ronald, it was a brief time of Tabasco-ing. The band made us a family. It made us a family with their family too.

So I pray, and I pray, and I thank God for every relationship we ‘invest’ in our live. Nothing is not worth it, because it’ll turn out the way it supposed to be even though maybe you were so not grateful with that exact relation.

from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreamingIf some of you still interested in reading this, there are some other people too I would like to thank in this opportunity.

With Raisa, it was how we tease each other, help each other, and still hate each other. It’s the playfulness, the honesty, and how we understand each other even though we are very different individual.

With Mike, it was how we connect with games, lots of it. Then we could tell each other a very strange story and still understand and appreciate all the story that goes by, with laughter, or with tears.

With Mike’s girlfriend, Sallie, it was how she always take care of me when I’m away from home. Then we could talk, and sometimes I’ll be the liaison between her and her boyfriend (which happen quite often, I believe). But she’s my family because she really is. We were bonded by some people marriages (this sound so strange but true), and we chose to be a very good friend.

With Ray, it was.. (I would write this as soon as he’s not in Indonesia). Lol.

With Evy, it was like a Remembrall (the thing Neville [from Harry Potter] got from his grandmother so that he won’t forget things). I could glance about my past when I’m with her, and felt so blessed that I’m who I am now.

With Soraya, it was, like that one person you could throw every devil things at, and she still come backs to love you. That’s her alright. So strange, but true.

And a very special thanks to my mentor, whom without her I couldn’t be who I am today. You’ll always be in my heart.

Some of these friends, they’re so dear friends I have been friends with them since.. forever. Another just pass by, still creeping into my heart. Honorable mention (like in an award show), for Tania.

That’s why I’m so blessed.

Because without hope, I couldn’t go on. I couldn’t stand on my feet and being proud of myself.

I’m on the verge of losing the battle. I’m bloody confused. I’m in pain.

The goal is so close and I won’t let it go. I will fight till the finish line. That’s my promise to myself.

Because I can dream big, and I’ll make my dreams come true.

-the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming-

I’m only 7 days away from being a 22 year-old big girl, and rite now I only feel one thing. Happiness.

I’m happy that I still am a college student.
I’m happy because I have a very good family.
I’m happy because I have many good friends.

But eventually, I’m happy because I’m so blessed in this life.

I have so many things others don’t, and I’m grateful for that.
I can do things others can’t, and I’m grateful for that.
I will do things others won’t, and I’m thankful for that.

And I’m happy, coz I’m happy :D:D:D

from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming