Strange, isn’t it. When we were children, somehow we knew without a doubt that.. our parents loved us. Love us for those of you who’s still got both parents.

But now, the smallest gesture from your childhood friend, meant… a lot.

I once read a book in which it said: “how do you show people you love them if you don’t have the voice or the words?” 

That got me thinking.

People throw away “I love you”s maybe more than necessarily necessary. But what about people who got choked up with those words, such as I myself? What about people who don’t have the courage to even utter those words? What about people who just.. don’t really know what that words mean?

Inevitably, those simple words (not in that exact quote) became.. important. 

And maybe, just maybe, those words will be uttered by someone special close to your heart if you’re lucky. Or you have already received those words abundantly. Well, we’re all different.

Anyway. Yeah, hello for those of you reading this post. Sorry for the long absence. But hey. We all learn to love every day, right?

Defining Moment

It’s been a while since I received one of the most devastating news I’ve ever heard. The passing of my teacher that I held dear in my heart.

The moment she passed, I knew that I made the right decision with my life. So that’s one of many reasons as to why I’ve been trying to find a doctorate degree.

I think to a certain degree, I need a closure, so to say. I was not able to say goodbye to her, and I’ve been holding onto that for so long, it saddened me deeply. 

Maybe for some of you I made a perfect sense, and maybe for the others, I didn’t. I don’t mind. This is me rambling.

Anyway, that was one of my defining moment. The moment I knew I made a choice, and the moment I knew that I made a silent promise, and it is a promise I intend to keep.

I’ve tried twice finding a doctorate that suited me. I turned one down, and one turned me down. I was so excited for the second one, I didn’t know what to do when I wasn’t accepted.

Suffice to say, I was devastated. I am devastated.

I got the bad news (from the university) on Valentine’s day 2015, which is the worst valentine ever, and this is coming from me who never really celebrated that man-shifted-corporate holiday anyway.

Anyway, since that moment I’ve been trying to find myself again. I’ve been trying to find what I’m good at, what I’m not good at. What to do with all the free times when I’m not studying for GRE and IELTS.

The funny thing is, when you started saying yes to a few things (after much consideration), the figurative ‘door’ is opened wide. Sure it’s been such a mess of tears and heartbreaks and so much sadness along the line, but today, another defining moment happened. 

I was trying to find my way up, remember, so today, I went swimming with three of my best friend and we went to Starbucks after that. Whatever the universe did, I thanked you! I met another middle school teacher who was my teacher’s best friend and I was so glad that I got to meet her today.

There was something soothing in our conversation, in her way of speaking and reliving the memory about my teacher, and of course, by confirming that I was loved by my teacher.

It was such a fleeting moment, but in a way, it soothed me. Because even though I failed to get the position for this year’s intake, I got this moment. I got this one sweet moment, where I felt that I’m right where I need to be at the moment. And God, it has been sooo long since I’ve felt that way.

I still couldn’t thank my teacher enough because she was a big part of my life. One of many people who shaped who I am today, and without her, I might not even be me. 

So yeah, I’ve been busy with my head for a while and this is the complete update for what I’ve been up to this past year.

Thanks for those of you who read the snippet of my life ;)

Lonely Together

Isn’t it lovely that we live in loneliness together?

Have you ever thought about it?

We all got the same problem. The same freaking problem over and over again, and others already knew the solution to that specific problem, but we made the problems and solved the problems, all over again.

Like an unending cycle of death.

So what we do on Earth is actually pretty simple.

We’re being lonely, together.
We’re biding our time until it’s finally our time to go. 

Go where, you ask.

Hell if I know.

So What’s The Point

This post is a little dark (not my usual style). You’ve been warned ;)

What’s the point of life
If you tried and tried and tried only to realise that you are going to die anyway

If you try to feel all kind of emotions.
Every range of sadness and anger.
Every infatuated feeling.
Every second you look into someone’s eyes and try so hard to make sure that they’re the centre of your world.No. It wouldn’t matter tomorrow. If you tried to take thousands of pictures, when they would only end up

No. It wouldn’t matter tomorrow.

If you tried to take thousands of pictures, when they would only end up as dusty papers flown by the wind. Worse, they became a destroyed binary code as the hardware malfunction.

You tried to memorise all these sweet things when you knew it’ll only led to painful remembrance.
You tried to look your best only to have it wither as time goes by.

Yes, dearie. You tried. You did try. You do try.
The only thing that you do is trying.

Oh dear child. Don’t ever try to live. Don’t ever try to breathe.

There’s only pain.
The feeling of exhaustion.
The feeling of desperation.
The feeling of loneliness.

As we were born wailing into the hand of a stranger, alone.
As we live our life trying to find our best halves, alone.
And we’ll die in quietness, alone.


What’s the point?



As a social being and a human, comes to life the most complicated thing ever. Relationship between two persons, be it friendship, romantic relationship, or even professional relationship between coleague and such.

So in a way, whether we want it or not, nurture always has a part in forming who we are, and more importantly, who we will be, based on the people you keep around you.

That’s why sometimes, even though we went through hell while our heart broke at some point of the relationship, what with the emotional burden of being a good friend, or a good partner, or a good daughter/son, or just a good employee, if we look back at everything that we’ve done up until this point, the only thing we can do is being grateful.

Last weekend, I went on a short break and had the privilege to go out with two different groups of friends. One is from my childhood, one is from my recent years while living abroad in England.

That’s when I realised how funny life is sometimes. It’s funny how both groups have roles in shaping who I am today, but both groups are so different I wonder how is it that my brain is able to determine what I want to be and who I am from all the interaction.

So if you think I’m babbling, I actually am babbling. Not very cool of me, eh? To put it simply, friendship is weird. You got this person who give you their most important thing, trust, but we got to be angry with each other, and insult each other, and at the end of the day, we’ll make up and say I love you too, and stuff. But then the cycle will repeat over and over again.

So yeah, I think friendship is definitely one of the weirdest thing on Earth.

But huh, everyone need friends in their life. Who don’t?

Well, anyway, despite the fact that it took lots of me to go out and interact (yes, I am a loner by birth and by right), it’s always fun to see what other people is doing with their life. Some have achieved their dreams, some are still searching for the right one, some fell for the wrong one, some are still not sure as of what to do, but hey, that’s the beauty of it.

You’ve got this people you know and come to love, and they all are so different, you get a glimpse of how great statistical probabiltity and nurture vs nature that are at works in this world.

And for those of you who thought “hey, you’re way too quiet!” I say, wait till you talk to me alone, because everybody has weaknesses, and one of the worst of mine is I can’t really interact in group settings. It messes me up because my mind kept wandering around trying to calculate and analyse things that aren’t supposed to be calculated or analysed. In simple words, I’m crazy.

And that’s all for today’s update my friend, I hope you enjoyed my babbling towards the ridiculousness that is our world, and the beauty that is our connection towards each other.




Just over a week ago, I arrived in Bandung and in the long weekend I met some of my dearest friends. Turns out there are so many stories about their life that surprised me (to say the least).

But first, let me just say that the trip to the US was amaziiinnnngggg~~~. I loved every seconds of it. 2014-03-15 17.33.51That was June, my sister Dania, and I at Boeing (The Future of Flight) after the awesome tour. I saw how the plane was assembled and the big building they stored the plane in. Just one word: awesome.

Living abroad for quite some times has taught me many many things.

[1] First and foremost is that life is such a fragile thing. It just is. You’re building all these relationships with many different people, just to realise that at some point, some of them will always dissapoint you. It is your choice to let go of that said individual (or adjust your expectation for the said individual), or keep gripping the person tight, hoping that maybe, maybe someday they will change and you won’t get hurt anymore.

But here’s the thing. The only person who can hurt you is actually just yourself. As Regina (Once Upon A Time) said, “Evil is not born, it is made”. The same concept goes to the feeling of hurt. You made your heart hurt yourself by overthinking things that maybe super mundane and not at all important.

I know I know all the chant ‘but I cannot stop thinking about it’. I know all about that. I was there. I let myself hurt myself pretty badly at some occasion. But I learnt to stop. Just try to sing the ‘Let It Go’ from Disney’s Frozen with an open heart.

Some of my best friends in Indonesia are going through rough patches in their life. Be it a bad breakup, or bad relationship with a member of the family, or the fear to open his/herself up to a new possibilities that may have a happy ending.

There is only one thing I learnt after all this time.

Whatever your life throws at you, it is YOUR own decision to be happy, to be sad, to be hurt, or to be an arse.

Others may talk to you until they want to slap some senses into you. Others may just look at you with pity in their eyes. Others may just giving you this dirty looks that said ‘what the hell are you doing with your life?’

Well, I say to hell to all of them. It is my life. I am the grand designer of my life (well, not me per se but more like God, but you get my point, right?).

I choose to be happy.

That is a choice nobody can ever take from you. No matter what. 

[2] Second lesson. I learnt to not take anybody for granted. I know if you’re my friend you shall say ‘haha but you did Ness’ and I admitted that I sometimes did that. But you all know how hard it is to stay in touch if you have this other things on your mind that needs more attention than anything else.

So by ‘not take anybody for granted’, what I really meant was to ‘enjoy and cherish the moment’ you are in. You may only be able to feel that special feelings once in your life and never again. Or maybe it will conjure up courage that you never knew you had. I experienced all that. Afterall, my best friend is myself. I always do talk to myself (Okay, now I sound super crazy). When you’re alone out there, there’s so many good things happen and you can see the wonder of the world because there’s no one to distract you from seeing, and beliving.

[3] Life goes on. It just does. No matter what you’re going through in your life right now, it doesn’t mean the world stop evolving. Au contraire, the world’s pace just got a lot faster when you’re not looking. Friends’ kids growing up, parents started to have grey hair when you’re not looking, your kid sister become wiser, your friends become more of an arse (sorry to say but that’s true to some cases), your big sister may be preparing for your wedding, waiting for a nephew/niece to come to the world an in a blink of an eye he/she can talks back to you, et cetera.

So I’m back to the point of ‘choose wisely‘. For some bad breakup, do you not want to move on, to just make this a learning point, and find some happiness that waits for you in the end of the road? For some family member, do you not know what your brother/sister want in their life? If you don’t, why don’t you try to find out. The answer may surprises you. For those of you with a whole lot of fears and uptightness, do you not want to feel happiness, may be just for once in your life, to know the meaning of being happy?

Life is what you define it with your mind. That is why you can choose to be happy, or not.

Road Trip

Hello lovelies.

For those of you who don’t know, I am in super holiday mood, travelling around the states, trying to find best ice cream in the world (like a professional, lol).

Anyway, I shall tell you about this very memorable trip that happened because I booked hotels and flights on the wrong date. Simple mistake, complicated repercussions.

Well anyway, it turns out to be so interesting I am kinda glad that I somehow made the mistake. So there is always some hope in a bleak road. *so poetic*

Okay. So.

I bought a concert ticket of Lady A a few months ago (December, maybe). A few weeks after that, I started searching for accomodation and flights needed for the concert because it was not in Seattle (my sister is in Seattle and I am currently living in Seattle as well).

The concert was for 15th February 2014. I don’t know how I don’t know why but (the big BUT came in) I booked the flights and hotel for 13th-15th February 2014. Which mean, by the time I want to see the concert, I have to catch another flight to another place.

There goes my hope in seeing my favourite band of all time.

After racking my brain over many decisions and possibilities, I came up with one conclusion.

I will buy another tickets for the concert (on Valentine’s day, I might add), in another city close to the designated city. So here is the data.

14th February 2014: Wichita, Kansas
15th February 2014: Kansas City, Missouri

Therefore, I have to go from Kansas City to Wichita on 14th. The thing is, after some googling, I found out that there is no public transportation serving that route. The only feasible option is, to rent a car and drive there myself. Well, that is what happened. PS: Americans drove on the right, whereas Indonesians drove on the left.

Okay. That explained the driving. Now, I will tell you the whole story in the chronological order.

13th February 2014
I catched my flight from Seattle to Kansas City. Arrived at around 3-ish. Rode a bus to another terminal to catch another bus to the city when I realised dreadfully that I left my Kindle ON the plane. Well, hell.
I feared that the plane has already took off and flew my Kindle away with them. Deep down I was calculating if this was a sign for me to buy a new Kindle, but then I remembered that this very Kindle was a gift from my Mancunians friends and I don’t want to loose it. That being said, I rode the same bus (with the same driver) back to the terminal which I came from, panicly explained the situation and they gave me a pass to go inside the gate.
How to go inside the gate you say? There is TSA inspection in which you have to put out your laptop, take off your shoes and other clothing layers, which is hell under the duress. Luckily for me, the Kindle was already in the gate and not in the plane. Whew!

14th February 2014
Went to the Crowne Plaza to pickup my car. It was uneventful. One hour drive to adapt and I am good to go.
3 pm. Time to go. The concert was at 7 pm. I used Google Maps to drive from Kansas City to Wichita. After some wrong turns, trying to pump up the gas by myself, 200 miles, and many angry drivers later, I arrived at the event arena with no battery on my phone. It was dead. Dead, dead. Well hell.

3 hours of concert, best concert I have ever been to, by the way

14th to 15th (around midnight)
No battery. Nice. There is only my Kindle (the one that was almost left behind) and the pdf I sent to the Kindle. The direction was in there. Driving back to Kansas is not that hard, the hardest part was to make sure that my mind did not wander into many horror movies scenarios I have ever seen.
The scariest part would be when you looked back to the mirror and the ghost appeared or something. That would be.. hell.
Anyway, after another 200 miles, one stop to buy a cup of coffee and gas, I came back to the hotel when it was around -5 degrees outside, and snow was everywhere.

15th February 2014. Airport.
Crazy old man (the bus driver from car rent to terminal) in a southern drawl was very nice to me. It was a memorable chat and he was really nice though old. Thanks stranger old man!
Catched my flight from Kansas City to Atlanta. In Atlanta, another stranger was telling me about her whole life. How her husband died of liver failure because he was such a drunk, how her younger son vowed to never touch alcohol, how her oldest son was waiting for his third baby (and that is why she was flying in the first place), and how she was lost in this strange world without kindness from a stranger.
I was mesmerised. I thought stories like that only occur in movie, in a two-dimensional box we love to watch. How can I be more wrong.
After waiting for another hour (the flight was delay because it was snowing in Philly), ultimately I arrived in Philly and met my aunt and my new uncle! Yeay for me!

16th February 2014. Atlantic City, anyone?
My uncle drove my aunt and I to Atlantic City. Saw so many slot machine, poker table, roulette table, you name it. In a way it was such a beautiful place, but the gambler is so lost on thought that they didn’t even realise the beauty of the place.
Beautiful shore, beautiful drive, another priceless experience.

Anyway, simply put I just want to say to anyone who is reading that life is in your hand. It is about your choice, what you do, what you say, what you fear, what you love.

Many encumbrances may arise, but nothing can make you happy or sad, unless you allows it. It simply how you think, that effect your happiness.

PS: for those of you who may want to see some photos, I posted all of them in my Instagram account, @aurenessa.
Thanks for reading!