I just had a long session of being slapped by words. Not intentionally of course, but I’m listening and thinking too much.

But the gist was…

I was afraid of myself. I always am. Because sometimes, the darkest part of myself is always the hardest to accept. But I mean, seriously, who isn’t a little bit afraid of themselves?

So yeah, this past 4 months or so, I..deliberately yet unknowingly had been giving into those sides. And I willed it into life. Scary, isn’t it. The things that happened when we realised it yet..didn’t fully comprehend it.

And then one sane person will ask, what do you have to do when you realise what happened? The answer is easy. Balancing.

The doing part? Not so easy.

How do we start, you ask. By remembering. By knowing which wolf to feed, by knowing what do you want yourself to be, by knowing that those who loves you, loves you for all of you, and by knowing that gratitude always takes such a big part in being humble. 

And through all this, if you stay, if you fight, if you will it, you’ll be better. Because isn’t that what we’re all hoping for? Making the world a better place, starting from ourselves?


Emotion is a roller coaster inside us.

It flips, turns backward, turns upwards, and upside down. Sometimes, it doesn’t even have mercy.

It’s the voice inside our head, the deafening silence in the middle of the night, the screaming yell at dawn, the voice we carry around.

That simple word, owns us. Own. Such a scary word.

But wholeness, is full of it.



I think, what most people dream of, is simplicity. I mean, if they say they’re too busy, or too tired, or too..anything, what they need is a simple solution to those problems. They won’t go for the complicated route to achieve something.

So yeah, simplicity, is good. But in Charlie Chaplin’s words:

Simplicity is not a simple thing.

Indeed, it is not.

But I have come to see that to achieve simplicity, one needs to open one’s eyes. It’s that simple. Once you see what you have, once you see what you can do, and once you see deep inside yourself, you’ll be able to figure out what it is that you long for.

What it is that you need, versus what it is that you want.
What it is that you have, versus what it is that you dream to have.
What it is that you feel angry about, versus what it is that you love.

What it is that you really, really, want, above all else, instead of following the norms.

I’ve come to learn that my life is so simple.

I’ve come to a point where I couldn’t utter anything else besides ‘I love you‘ to this one specific person because yeah, I do.
I’ve come to a point where I could say no to the thing I don’t need and focus on the thing that I want to achieve and indeed want.
I’ve come to a point where I do know how I want to leave my mark in this world.
I’ve come to a point where I can see clearly what I long for.

As cheesy as all these sound.

So once you shredded all the complicated things surrounding the surface, it’s…easier. Not that it’s gonna be easy, no.


The most cliché title one could give, am I right? Lol.

But if one says being in love equals to being happy, why wouldn’t it be cliché?

Anyway. I’ve been scrolling through this blog and found many definition of love from myself from a different time and space. I like what I’ve written on this one: Love.

And when you found it, you found the perfect one, dream and reality shifted, didn’t it? It became blurry.

As Paulo Coelho said in his book, The Alchemist:

“I love you because the universe conspired to help me find you.”

Well, for me.

Love is a contradictory thing. 
It’s loud when it’s quiet. 
It’s sincere when it’s acted on.
It’s comforting when it’s vibrant.
It’s beautiful when it’s messy.
It’s fleeting when it’s etched in our memories. 

To feel this love, to feel happy every second of every day, to feel that finally everything clicked together, is something worth waiting for.

One of a kind.
Perfect because of all the imperfections.
Beautiful because of all the ordinariness. 
Transparent because of all the stories that made us who we are. 


And I wouldn’t want it any other way.






How do you know when something shifted..? When your best friend became the most important person for you in the whole universe? When their happiness is.. much more important to you than anybody else? When their awkward gesture makes you smile in the middle of the night? When one sentence they sent brought such a smile in your face?

What would you do?

You’re falling in love. That much is the truth. You’re falling in love and you have to believe that they are too.

Scary, isn’t it?

How we shifted. How our feelings accumulated. How everything became blurry after that shift. Huh.

Maybe this is what they call love, huh?

When you realised you’re at this point where.. you’d go through all you’ve gone through before.. just to meet this person. Just to be enticed by them every day, just to imagine the smile gracing on their lips when they read your texts, just to feel.. close. and at home. with someone.

To feel that profound connection. The fact that we understand each other better than anyone else in this very cruel world.

To know that whatever you say, they know. They know better than anyone what exactly you mean.

To laugh and chuckle and giggle when we’re together. To share things you never imagine to share with someone else, ever. To do wrong and to let them soothe you that even if you do something wrong, they’re there to help.

Yeah, I fall. Hard. Harder every day.

And I wouldn’t want it any other way.



Strange, isn’t it. When we were children, somehow we knew without a doubt that.. our parents loved us. Love us for those of you who’s still got both parents.

But now, the smallest gesture from your childhood friend, meant… a lot.

I once read a book in which it said: “how do you show people you love them if you don’t have the voice or the words?” 

That got me thinking.

People throw away “I love you”s maybe more than necessarily necessary. But what about people who got choked up with those words, such as I myself? What about people who don’t have the courage to even utter those words? What about people who just.. don’t really know what that words mean?

Inevitably, those simple words (not in that exact quote) became.. important. 

And maybe, just maybe, those words will be uttered by someone special close to your heart if you’re lucky. Or you have already received those words abundantly. Well, we’re all different.

Anyway. Yeah, hello for those of you reading this post. Sorry for the long absence. But hey. We all learn to love every day, right?

Defining Moment

It’s been a while since I received one of the most devastating news I’ve ever heard. The passing of my teacher that I held dear in my heart.

The moment she passed, I knew that I made the right decision with my life. So that’s one of many reasons as to why I’ve been trying to find a doctorate degree.

I think to a certain degree, I need a closure, so to say. I was not able to say goodbye to her, and I’ve been holding onto that for so long, it saddened me deeply. 

Maybe for some of you I made a perfect sense, and maybe for the others, I didn’t. I don’t mind. This is me rambling.

Anyway, that was one of my defining moment. The moment I knew I made a choice, and the moment I knew that I made a silent promise, and it is a promise I intend to keep.

I’ve tried twice finding a doctorate that suited me. I turned one down, and one turned me down. I was so excited for the second one, I didn’t know what to do when I wasn’t accepted.

Suffice to say, I was devastated. I am devastated.

I got the bad news (from the university) on Valentine’s day 2015, which is the worst valentine ever, and this is coming from me who never really celebrated that man-shifted-corporate holiday anyway.

Anyway, since that moment I’ve been trying to find myself again. I’ve been trying to find what I’m good at, what I’m not good at. What to do with all the free times when I’m not studying for GRE and IELTS.

The funny thing is, when you started saying yes to a few things (after much consideration), the figurative ‘door’ is opened wide. Sure it’s been such a mess of tears and heartbreaks and so much sadness along the line, but today, another defining moment happened. 

I was trying to find my way up, remember, so today, I went swimming with three of my best friend and we went to Starbucks after that. Whatever the universe did, I thanked you! I met another middle school teacher who was my teacher’s best friend and I was so glad that I got to meet her today.

There was something soothing in our conversation, in her way of speaking and reliving the memory about my teacher, and of course, by confirming that I was loved by my teacher.

It was such a fleeting moment, but in a way, it soothed me. Because even though I failed to get the position for this year’s intake, I got this moment. I got this one sweet moment, where I felt that I’m right where I need to be at the moment. And God, it has been sooo long since I’ve felt that way.

I still couldn’t thank my teacher enough because she was a big part of my life. One of many people who shaped who I am today, and without her, I might not even be me

So yeah, I’ve been busy with my head for a while and this is the complete update for what I’ve been up to this past year.

Thanks for those of you who read the snippet of my life😉