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People

As a social being and a human, comes to life the most complicated thing ever. Relationship between two persons, be it friendship, romantic relationship, or even professional relationship between coleague and such.

So in a way, whether we want it or not, nurture always has a part in forming who we are, and more importantly, who we will be, based on the people you keep around you.

That’s why sometimes, even though we went through hell while our heart broke at some point of the relationship, what with the emotional burden of being a good friend, or a good partner, or a good daughter/son, or just a good employee, if we look back at everything that we’ve done up until this point, the only thing we can do is being grateful.

Last weekend, I went on a short break and had the privilege to go out with two different groups of friends. One is from my childhood, one is from my recent years while living abroad in England.

That’s when I realised how funny life is sometimes. It’s funny how both groups have roles in shaping who I am today, but both groups are so different I wonder how is it that my brain is able to determine what I want to be and who I am from all the interaction.

So if you think I’m babbling, I actually am babbling. Not very cool of me, eh? To put it simply, friendship is weird. You got this person who give you their most important thing, trust, but we got to be angry with each other, and insult each other, and at the end of the day, we’ll make up and say I love you too, and stuff. But then the cycle will repeat over and over again.

So yeah, I think friendship is definitely one of the weirdest thing on Earth.

But huh, everyone need friends in their life. Who don’t?

Well, anyway, despite the fact that it took lots of me to go out and interact (yes, I am a loner by birth and by right), it’s always fun to see what other people is doing with their life. Some have achieved their dreams, some are still searching for the right one, some fell for the wrong one, some are still not sure as of what to do, but hey, that’s the beauty of it.

You’ve got this people you know and come to love, and they all are so different, you get a glimpse of how great statistical probabiltity and nurture vs nature that are at works in this world.

And for those of you who thought “hey, you’re way too quiet!” I say, wait till you talk to me alone, because everybody has weaknesses, and one of the worst of mine is I can’t really interact in group settings. It messes me up because my mind kept wandering around trying to calculate and analyse things that aren’t supposed to be calculated or analysed. In simple words, I’m crazy.

And that’s all for today’s update my friend, I hope you enjoyed my babbling towards the ridiculousness that is our world, and the beauty that is our connection towards each other.

Love,

from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming

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Life

Just over a week ago, I arrived in Bandung and in the long weekend I met some of my dearest friends. Turns out there are so many stories about their life that surprised me (to say the least).

But first, let me just say that the trip to the US was amaziiinnnngggg~~~. I loved every seconds of it. 2014-03-15 17.33.51That was June, my sister Dania, and I at Boeing (The Future of Flight) after the awesome tour. I saw how the plane was assembled and the big building they stored the plane in. Just one word: awesome.

Living abroad for quite some times has taught me many many things.

[1] First and foremost is that life is such a fragile thing. It just is. You’re building all these relationships with many different people, just to realise that at some point, some of them will always dissapoint you. It is your choice to let go of that said individual (or adjust your expectation for the said individual), or keep gripping the person tight, hoping that maybe, maybe someday they will change and you won’t get hurt anymore.

But here’s the thing. The only person who can hurt you is actually just yourself. As Regina (Once Upon A Time) said, “Evil is not born, it is made”. The same concept goes to the feeling of hurt. You made your heart hurt yourself by overthinking things that maybe super mundane and not at all important.

I know I know all the chant ‘but I cannot stop thinking about it’. I know all about that. I was there. I let myself hurt myself pretty badly at some occasion. But I learnt to stop. Just try to sing the ‘Let It Go’ from Disney’s Frozen with an open heart.

Some of my best friends in Indonesia are going through rough patches in their life. Be it a bad breakup, or bad relationship with a member of the family, or the fear to open his/herself up to a new possibilities that may have a happy ending.

There is only one thing I learnt after all this time.

Whatever your life throws at you, it is YOUR own decision to be happy, to be sad, to be hurt, or to be an arse.

Others may talk to you until they want to slap some senses into you. Others may just look at you with pity in their eyes. Others may just giving you this dirty looks that said ‘what the hell are you doing with your life?’

Well, I say to hell to all of them. It is my life. I am the grand designer of my life (well, not me per se but more like God, but you get my point, right?).

I choose to be happy.

That is a choice nobody can ever take from you. No matter what. 

[2] Second lesson. I learnt to not take anybody for granted. I know if you’re my friend you shall say ‘haha but you did Ness’ and I admitted that I sometimes did that. But you all know how hard it is to stay in touch if you have this other things on your mind that needs more attention than anything else.

So by ‘not take anybody for granted’, what I really meant was to ‘enjoy and cherish the moment’ you are in. You may only be able to feel that special feelings once in your life and never again. Or maybe it will conjure up courage that you never knew you had. I experienced all that. Afterall, my best friend is myself. I always do talk to myself (Okay, now I sound super crazy). When you’re alone out there, there’s so many good things happen and you can see the wonder of the world because there’s no one to distract you from seeing, and beliving.

[3] Life goes on. It just does. No matter what you’re going through in your life right now, it doesn’t mean the world stop evolving. Au contraire, the world’s pace just got a lot faster when you’re not looking. Friends’ kids growing up, parents started to have grey hair when you’re not looking, your kid sister become wiser, your friends become more of an arse (sorry to say but that’s true to some cases), your big sister may be preparing for your wedding, waiting for a nephew/niece to come to the world an in a blink of an eye he/she can talks back to you, et cetera.

So I’m back to the point of ‘choose wisely‘. For some bad breakup, do you not want to move on, to just make this a learning point, and find some happiness that waits for you in the end of the road? For some family member, do you not know what your brother/sister want in their life? If you don’t, why don’t you try to find out. The answer may surprises you. For those of you with a whole lot of fears and uptightness, do you not want to feel happiness, may be just for once in your life, to know the meaning of being happy?

Life is what you define it with your mind. That is why you can choose to be happy, or not.

from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming

Road Trip

Hello lovelies.

For those of you who don’t know, I am in super holiday mood, travelling around the states, trying to find best ice cream in the world (like a professional, lol).

Anyway, I shall tell you about this very memorable trip that happened because I booked hotels and flights on the wrong date. Simple mistake, complicated repercussions.

Well anyway, it turns out to be so interesting I am kinda glad that I somehow made the mistake. So there is always some hope in a bleak road. *so poetic*

Okay. So.

I bought a concert ticket of Lady A a few months ago (December, maybe). A few weeks after that, I started searching for accomodation and flights needed for the concert because it was not in Seattle (my sister is in Seattle and I am currently living in Seattle as well).

The concert was for 15th February 2014. I don’t know how I don’t know why but (the big BUT came in) I booked the flights and hotel for 13th-15th February 2014. Which mean, by the time I want to see the concert, I have to catch another flight to another place.

There goes my hope in seeing my favourite band of all time.

After racking my brain over many decisions and possibilities, I came up with one conclusion.

I will buy another tickets for the concert (on Valentine’s day, I might add), in another city close to the designated city. So here is the data.

14th February 2014: Wichita, Kansas
15th February 2014: Kansas City, Missouri

Therefore, I have to go from Kansas City to Wichita on 14th. The thing is, after some googling, I found out that there is no public transportation serving that route. The only feasible option is, to rent a car and drive there myself. Well, that is what happened. PS: Americans drove on the right, whereas Indonesians drove on the left.

Okay. That explained the driving. Now, I will tell you the whole story in the chronological order.

13th February 2014
I catched my flight from Seattle to Kansas City. Arrived at around 3-ish. Rode a bus to another terminal to catch another bus to the city when I realised dreadfully that I left my Kindle ON the plane. Well, hell.
I feared that the plane has already took off and flew my Kindle away with them. Deep down I was calculating if this was a sign for me to buy a new Kindle, but then I remembered that this very Kindle was a gift from my Mancunians friends and I don’t want to loose it. That being said, I rode the same bus (with the same driver) back to the terminal which I came from, panicly explained the situation and they gave me a pass to go inside the gate.
How to go inside the gate you say? There is TSA inspection in which you have to put out your laptop, take off your shoes and other clothing layers, which is hell under the duress. Luckily for me, the Kindle was already in the gate and not in the plane. Whew!

14th February 2014
Went to the Crowne Plaza to pickup my car. It was uneventful. One hour drive to adapt and I am good to go.
3 pm. Time to go. The concert was at 7 pm. I used Google Maps to drive from Kansas City to Wichita. After some wrong turns, trying to pump up the gas by myself, 200 miles, and many angry drivers later, I arrived at the event arena with no battery on my phone. It was dead. Dead, dead. Well hell.

3 hours of concert, best concert I have ever been to, by the way

14th to 15th (around midnight)
No battery. Nice. There is only my Kindle (the one that was almost left behind) and the pdf I sent to the Kindle. The direction was in there. Driving back to Kansas is not that hard, the hardest part was to make sure that my mind did not wander into many horror movies scenarios I have ever seen.
The scariest part would be when you looked back to the mirror and the ghost appeared or something. That would be.. hell.
Anyway, after another 200 miles, one stop to buy a cup of coffee and gas, I came back to the hotel when it was around -5 degrees outside, and snow was everywhere.

15th February 2014. Airport.
Crazy old man (the bus driver from car rent to terminal) in a southern drawl was very nice to me. It was a memorable chat and he was really nice though old. Thanks stranger old man!
Catched my flight from Kansas City to Atlanta. In Atlanta, another stranger was telling me about her whole life. How her husband died of liver failure because he was such a drunk, how her younger son vowed to never touch alcohol, how her oldest son was waiting for his third baby (and that is why she was flying in the first place), and how she was lost in this strange world without kindness from a stranger.
I was mesmerised. I thought stories like that only occur in movie, in a two-dimensional box we love to watch. How can I be more wrong.
After waiting for another hour (the flight was delay because it was snowing in Philly), ultimately I arrived in Philly and met my aunt and my new uncle! Yeay for me!

16th February 2014. Atlantic City, anyone?
My uncle drove my aunt and I to Atlantic City. Saw so many slot machine, poker table, roulette table, you name it. In a way it was such a beautiful place, but the gambler is so lost on thought that they didn’t even realise the beauty of the place.
Beautiful shore, beautiful drive, another priceless experience.

Anyway, simply put I just want to say to anyone who is reading that life is in your hand. It is about your choice, what you do, what you say, what you fear, what you love.

Many encumbrances may arise, but nothing can make you happy or sad, unless you allows it. It simply how you think, that effect your happiness.

PS: for those of you who may want to see some photos, I posted all of them in my Instagram account, @aurenessa.
Thanks for reading!

from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming

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Handle

People sure never ceases to surprise you. It never ceases to amaze me how they do that.

Sometimes, they change. For the better, or worse.
Sometimes, they are painfully honest. And then your world shattered. 
Sometimes, they just being an arse. Well, hell.

Looking back and meditating and thinking about what I want to do with my life, I will always be grateful for my family (this goes without saying, actually), and of course, my lovely friends.

I am surrounded by so many different people who turns out will go to the moon and back just to consider my feeling, and for that, I will always be grateful.

What if, your choice will be judged?
What if, you fear the reaction of the one you love the most?
What if, they could not except your choice?
What if, hell breaks loose, just because?

Never in my life I have to think so much about consequences. But that is the law. Choose, and there are consequences. Whether the consequences are good or bad. Handle it do not handle it. Judge it do not judge it.

People will always talk. 

But few will understand.

Life, so messy sometimes, eh?

from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming

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Perspective

When you have been a very oblivious person for two years and counting, it makes you think, hard.

It puts perspective into your life. Have I done mine correctly? Did I miss something along the way? Did I choose the right path?

Am I who I want to be when I grew up?

Well, hell.

I am at the point of my life when I have to choose, what I want to do. Okay, I got a few choice. But which one do I choose?

From experiences, small choices often effect such bigger conundrum of my life in the future. So, how should I make the right choice?

That is always the question, isn’t it?

never.stop.dreaming

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Graduation

One word, one powerful meaning, graduation. I have just formally finished my master degree in Advanced Computer Science, and it felt.. well, I feel many mix feelings.

I feel blessed, because I have worked hard to get the degree.
I feel grateful, because I have graduated.
I feel happy, because I got family and friends here, supporting me in one of my proudest moment.

But.

I feel sad. I will soon be leaving this beloved city which has become my home for a year, Manchester.
I feel fear. For I do not know what lies ahead.
I feel the time moves on too quickly.

I learnt a lot.

I learnt about the deeper meaning of friendship.
I learnt about family.
I learnt about tolerance.
I learnt about sacrifice.
But most importantly, I learnt a lot about myself, about who I am, about what I want to do.

And now I am just hoping everything will be alright.

from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming

Special notes for some of my friends..

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The Ego

As human, psychologically we will try hard and even harder to fit in. That was the default setting since the moment we were born into the world.

But.

The one thing I have realised the most since I moved to Manchester 14 months ago, is that, I am not able to fit in. It is not in my ability to fit as one piece of the missing puzzle with my friends here. My brain works differently. It works logically and practically, but in some ways, my heart trumps the brain. I love science fiction, Fringe, Doctor Who, Stargate, Star Trek, Marvel’s hero, etc. I love games. I love books. I love simple things, such as sunshine, sneaker, rucksack, and, I don’t know, food. I love things that other people don’t, nope, scratch that, I love things that other GIRLS don’t.

And however hard I tried to fit in, I am fully aware that I will not be able to do that, at all. I am a geek, I will act strangely, I will be quiet at times people wants me to be vocal, I will walk and too distracted at something new, and I will bump to other person because I did not see where I was walking, I will be amazed by small things, my brain will suddenly works hard and I will be too consume in my own thought.

My memories work differently. My friends will be mad at me for not remembering something. But that just it, my memories does not work in chronological order. So that said, I will easily forget anything, but there are some things I will always remember dearly, a part of the story, the details, the smells, the moment.

I love with all my heart. There is no halfsies when it comes to my feelings.

But that just it. I will not try hard to fit in. There is no point in fitting in.

The point is to show the world what you are capable of. To show the world, who I AM. And that is it.

The easiest way to be happy is doing what you love to do, and know who you are. That is the ego. Of not letting go of who you are, because who you are, is God’s greatest gift, ever.

from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming