Emotion is a roller coaster inside us.
It flips, turns backward, turns upwards, and upside down. Sometimes, it doesn’t even have mercy.
It’s the voice inside our head, the deafening silence in the middle of the night, the screaming yell at dawn, the voice we carry around.
That simple word, owns us. Own. Such a scary word.
But wholeness, is full of it.
When you have been a very oblivious person for two years and counting, it makes you think, hard.
It puts perspective into your life. Have I done mine correctly? Did I miss something along the way? Did I choose the right path?
Am I who I want to be when I grew up?
Well, hell.
I am at the point of my life when I have to choose, what I want to do. Okay, I got a few choice. But which one do I choose?
From experiences, small choices often effect such bigger conundrum of my life in the future. So, how should I make the right choice?
That is always the question, isn’t it?
never.stop.dreaming
This weekend I went on a trip to Scotland. Well, it is a special trip because it is full of coincidences and I believe my friend and I are very lucky to have achieved such things.
So there are a bit of little first(s) I had when I was on my trip.
1. First time ever trying brandy, liquor, and whiskey. Okay that sounds like it is, but I just tasted them and I did not have the intention to get drunk.
2. First time ever seeing a puffin! (Just google it, puffin is a very cute bird with colourful beak). We almost could not make it. So the puffin is on this small island, called Isle of May. The boat was full booked and we have to wait to see if some of the people will drop their booking. Luckily they did!
3. First time getting a lift from a totally totally totally totally (okay, too much) stranger. My friend and I were trying to get to Tantallon Castle, which literally is in the middle of nowhere. Unfortunately, because it was Sunday, the public transportation is so limited we could not catch a bus. So randomly, we ask a stranger on the side of tennis court where the castle is. Bless him, because he gave us a lift to the Tantallon Castle! I could not even believe it but it was such a blessing I am so amazed! Not to mention the castle was stunningly gorgeous.
4. First time trying so hard to catch a glimpse of the Loch Ness monster, known as Nessie. I know I am a dreamer and this is no exception. I like to believe that such mysterious creature really exists, just so that we could still hope, and search for the answer.
It was such a beautiful and memorable journey. Scotland is such a beautiful place. The Loch Ness is majestic in its own way. All the small towns are really lovely. And the people? Bless their hearts!
After I got back from Scotland, my friends who are too lazy to move their arse(s) [pardon my pun] told me to come to their place. The story continues…Read More »
Today, my PT and my head PT (Joe) has just tortured me good. And by good I mean reallllyyyy good. I can’t even do anything after the training is finished. The only thing I still can do is sit down (with cramping all over my body), and listened to Joe.
So, mainly because I can’t even move (I still have to catch my breath which has gone awry), I listened to him talk about things. After his long speech, the thing that caught my attention most is that he said I’m a very nice girl and the most unemotional person he has ever met. And this is strange (for me).
Well, I didn’t even see the connection until he said to me: “you have been making food as your comforting-to-go-things”. And that is a very very nasty bad habit. He said that I never get angry, and I always hold things back. (Well, I didn’t consider myself as a person who hold things back). But then, he said “I’m always right, y’know”.
I realize now that I kinda prefer to get emotional inside my head, rather than outside (with the person supposedly I’m upset). As you may know from reading this blog, I tend to speak directly from my heart when I’m writing, not when I’m literally speaking.
But for my PT, emotional inside is not enough. I need to explode to be a better person.
So you may ask, “what do you rambling on about in this post?”
Well, this is me thinking out loud. Lol.
Well, what do you all think? If you have the time, please comment 🙂 Thank you very much.
from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming
Given the long circumstances, I think I did good this semester (even though not the best of me, still) LOL
Anyway, after all the long time without posting, I’d like to share some of my thoughts with you
—
1. My fight is not to be over, YET.
It’s kinda long, but I like the journey. I like what I’ve become, and I’m super excited to see what I’d become tomorrow.
Actually, to simplify it all, I love my college life even though it doesn’t seem that way.. 😉
2. Never say never to love
It’s better to acknowledge the feeling than deny it. I’ve had my share about that, lol. Sure, not many people know about it but when I shared it honestly with someone, the world seem to be brighter and lighter. Special thanks to some of my friends that “all-ears” when I talked about my feeling for that person.. 😉
3. A friend in need is a friend indeed
No explanation needed.
4. To rise up, rise above, and forgive one is a very hard decision to do
Recently, I met with someone from my past. Just to clear a few things. With one blessed day, my heart now is lighter because another burden is relieved. At that time, it seem like “a-right-thing-to-do” but in the end, it is one step in your life that you will remember on this day forward. One day you could look back and remember “if I could forgive a person with sincerity, I could overcome anything”
5. Problems won’t be over in one night, but I could stand and fight all that
It’s a dilemma when I knew things I shouldn’t even know. What to do? “Information is power”, that’s our era slogan. But what good will it come if I blurt all that to the wrong person? Dilemma, as I say.
“There are times when the only choices you have left are bad ones”, I hope it didn’t have to come to that. >__<
6. Still don’t know what to do when one of my dream collide and kinda wouldn’t work in the future BIG SOBS
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I think that’s all I could rant and ramble about. LOL. Thanks for reading it 😉 any suggestion is appreciated.
from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming
I found it! I found my diary! Oooo you can’t imagine how happy I am. Lol. I just am very happy.
Actually, there’s a story behind this thing. So then, let the story begin (I sounded like a story-teller, lol).
So today, I have try to write 3 or 4 times and all the post always ended up in my wordpress-trash-bin. It just didn’t fit. Not the story, nor the topic. I was bored after that bin-posts, so I googled myself. “Nessa Tanzil“. I know, I am a narcissist after all. Lol.
When I googled myself, on page 2 there was this link: Love.
I read the post. It was a beautiful post and I didn’t even realize that I have the potential to write something like that. It was just, touching.
I remember things by reading that post. I remember my parents, my teachers, my ex-best-friends, my best friends, and I then remember that I used to have a diary. An electronic one.
I kinda thought that the diary is still in my laptop even though I have changed my computer for two or three times since I made that diary. I just couldn’t let that one file go. *winks*
Afterward, I read some of the pages and I realized some things.
1. Even though today I think that this day isn’t special, tomorrow this day will be special.
2. To write a diary is a struggle each and every single day, *exhale*.
3. I wanna start a new one, but knowing my character now I think my new diary will only last for 2 or 3 days. One week top.
4. But I still wanna write a new one.
5. And by the end of the day, every day is a special one cause it’s a give from God to you.
That’s what I’ve come to realize when I opened my old diary.
I really missed the moments inside that diary. I missed the old me. I missed my character back then (the good one, not the bad one lol). But there’s no turning back and I am who I am now.
Think I’m gonna start a journal now. For the sake of the future me. *winks*
from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming
Who likes doing mistakes? Or to have to feel the regret and sorrow after we made some very screw up mistakes?
Honestly, I don’t.
That said, quiet recently I realized that I had made a very terrible mistake. A ‘screw-you-all-over-again‘ kinda mistake. With this mistake, I brought nothing but regret, and a bucket full of remorse. I screwed my own time line.
Then, I tried to explain to my mother that this mistake cost me much.
My time. Mostly my heart that now is full with that remorse and regret.
But she just said a few words: “That’s just meant to be”
I opened my eyes at that exact second, and recognized what my mother said is true. The truest of all.
People wouldn’t do good with being right all the time.
That, I learned.
People wouldn’t do good with easy all the time.
That, I appreciate.
People will do good with hard work.
That, I have been.
People will do good with love.
That much, I learn everyday.
Just a bit of me, trying to be wiser and wiser every second of my life..
one.who.never.stop.dreaming
Okay, so here’s the deal. One year ago, I was posting “the 4th exam” as it was the 4th time I went to “Cisatu II” to have my skill examined by one big Mr. British Man who is a big achiever in music major.
Oh, and good news. I passed that exam *LOL*
Back to the topic, now the place of the exam have been changed. I went to “Kiai Luhur” instead of “Cisatu II”. I don’t like it. It is hot, dusty, and quiet filthy.
And I thought,
It’s okay. The exam room maybe lit up a lil bit, for this place looks like cheap resto…
But unfortunately, it was destined not to be lit up. *sobbing*
Like usual, the participant must attend 1 hour before the time of the exam. I was there by 11 o’clock, and my exam was 11.45. So I waited and reviewed my scales and arpeggios. I don’t know why, but violin’s scales are a lil bit harder than piano’s.
First of all, you don’t have the key in violin. It’s all about feelings, and then my teacher would be soooo mad at me he’d said I’m crazy. *LOL*
Second, your hands walk a straight-line on piano. On violin? Different stories guys. 4 different strings. 4 different tones.
And third, I just can’t, and I am lazy but awesome. *LOL*
So, by 11.45 I am very nervous but remained to stay calm. For God’s sake, my teacher is really indifferent. =_=
And the funny thing is, this is the very first “Associated Board of the Royal Schools of Music“ exam that wasn’t on time. Actually I’m kinda glad. I have the time to open my violin case because the case can’t be brought to the exam room.
—
Ms. Long Black Hair: “Aurel?”
Me: “Yes”
Ms. Long Black Hair: “Now’s the time. Follow me.”
—
FYI, I really really hope that the exam room kinda BIG because it reduced the feeling of your claustrophobic thought. And it kinda nice to stand in the big room that bigger than you, and not stand in the room that make you LOOK very BIG!
And that happened. The room is very very tiny I can’t breath. If my violin’s bow is 2 centimeters longer I’ll definitely looks like somebody stupid who can’t play the violin. >_<
—
20.10.09, 12.04 AM
Mr. Another British Man: “Hellooo…” *British Accent*
*Smile smile smile, don’t forget, but he didn’t even smile*
1st, 2nd, and 3rd pieces, I felt like my bow has its own will =.= The tones vibrated by themselves. *sobbing*
—
20.10.09 12.14 AM
Mr. Another British Man: “Let’s do the aural for 3rd grader”
And like usual, like my story at the 4th exam, I can’t sing. It all went AAAAAA!!!!!! but I don’t think that is the tone that the Mr. Another British Man is looking for.
And suddenly~~~
Mr. Another British Man: “Okay, thank you. You may go now, don’t forget your pieces”
—
Outside the room
What the hell just happened? =.=
Explanation: My 7th grade piano exam went by 25 minutes, and this one went by only 14 minutes. See the different?
—
Conclusion:
I really like music, but the grogginess and nervous system in my head always played me. *LOL*
Hope this one went smoothly and I got good grades. 🙂 and I think I wanna do the 8th graders exam next year. Hopefully 😀
from.the.one.who.never.stop.dreaming
On this post, I’ll talk much about me.. (Indonesian mode: CURHAT!) hehehe3 LOL 🙂
Months ago, I got a USB driver, free!! from Sony Vaio. Unfortunately, just 3 or 4 weeks ago, that USB is missing T_T
Oh man, I am so sadddddd T.T hikshikshiks.. I’ve been searching everywhere I could think of, and Tadaaaaa.. Nothing.. It still is missing, or worse, robbed by someone I’ve known for a very longggg time.. Hate it hate it hate it..
I think the melancholy part is enough..
What I like about my life :
– best environment
– best equipment
– best clothes
– best foods
– best almost everything, except my behaviour LOL hehehe
Oh, another story.. My computer is dying, so I gave it to ma tante.. She is so happy coz she likes Sally’s spa and Sally’s salon very much (Oh come on Nes, this is an elementary grade’s sentence for God’s sake =,= )
I really don’t like a PC which happened to restart every two minutes or so. =_=;;
Now, I have to use my Macbook.. A very very hot computer..
Nnhh, what else? I can’t find a place for my books in plastic (I still and still don’t have time to read it all). It’s like sea of books in my house. In my bedroom, my study room, the living room, the TV room, you can take a book and read it. Messy messy messy.
Owh, another thing. Maybe you can read this sentence in my facebook (still hangin’ there) :
Friend is something money can’t buy. Not even VISA.
I made this quote about two or three weeks ago. Why? Because it is true. Simple and sure. Having two degrees to be done with, made me become a crazy person. And I really appreciate my Unpar’s friends who’ve been very supportive and thoughtful even though I always happened to be a burden for them all. Sorrryyy…
I always thought about how my life will be if there is no coincidence in 2006.. What it would be to study in just one place at one time.. But what is done is done. It cannot be undone, despite everything I ever thought of. So sad.. T.T
So this post is very messy.
Ah, last thingy. Yesterday, I went to “International Day 2009, by IST (ITB Student Forum)” and I saw a performance from Madagascarian (am I rite??). The dance is very funny, enjoyable and very impressive. 🙂
I happened to learn many things too. About another country. Mostly South Asian, like Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam. That’s a good event. I like it 🙂
So, I’ve to stop before this post get messier. Although j’aime écrire ce poste 😉 ^.^
Be blessed, all the best.
from the.one.who.still.living.in.a.world.of.her
The Power of Dreams 